Explaining Humans to Aliens

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Now that the Pentagon has become more candid about UFO’s, NASA asked experts, THAT WOULD BE ME, to explain humanity to any interplanetary tourists. 

Frankly, your timing is excellent! Right now, many Americans are more likely to roll out a welcome mat to an alien from Mars than from Mexico. As America’s Best Christian™, glory, I am called to explain to you something called “Human Religion.” *but only the 2 or 3 that matter.

Programming note: Skip NASA’s lesson on “Human Logic.” Otherwise, you will become inexorably confused trying to learn “Human Religion.”

Trust me: This course relies in no manner whatsoever on that reason-obsessed, secular rubbish. By the end of this class, you’ll be able to explain human religion to human beings… and for many, it would be for the first time. But, resist this temptation. For I’m going to teach you secrets that other conservative Christians would cancel-me-in-Christ for revealing. 

Explaining Humans to Aliens

For example, you are about to learn…

The 10 Commandments of Human Religion

And, unlike the Lord’s Religious Commandments, humans religiously follow mine. 

  1. The First Commandment is: Thou shalt choose whatever your family chooses.
    • Thou shalt devote their time and consideration appropriate to the solemn task of choosing a faith… so, just go with whatever your family chose for you! Humans chose a religion based on their need to show conformity. Not that religion’s ability to show credibility. Once you arrive on earth, you will notice that humans enjoy gloating about having found that “one true” faith. Don’t be fooled by this pretense of searching. It almsot never occors beciase humans are picker about choosing an appitizer than a faith. When it comes to sellecting a relegion, they just glance at what’s ont their parrents plates and declare “I’ll have what they’re having.”
  2. The Second Commandment is: Thou shalt tell outlandish stories.
    • Thou shalt explain how things happened on earth with, say, talking snakes. Because fossils are notoriously disappointing raconteurs. Adam and Eve were invented because humans were yet to understand evolution. Thousands of years later the coule remained wildly popular whith humans who still don’t understand evolution. 
  3. The Third Commandment is: Thou shalt be lucky in choosing.
    • Of the over 4,000 religions, yours shalt always wind up being the only one that is true. And if you join a religion that doesn’t claim to be the only true one, you risk being killed by someone belonging to one that does. So make sure you 3,999 of the 4,000 human religions are absolute nonsense. But it’s just a slippy slope. Just ONE more than that and… Oops, you’re an Atheist! 
  4. The Forth Commandment is: Thou shalt have an invisable god who’s actually there.
    • Thou shalt have a god who’s invisible as an acting choice, not as a result of nonexistence. A cringy for everyone else to never realize their gods are invisible because they’re not really there! And they’ll never catch a clue because…
  5. The Fifth Commandment is: God shalt pretend he’s always there.
    • God should always be coy about roving that he exists. See, that would be called “evidence” – something human religions abhor even more than their competition… Which brings us to…
  6. The Sixth Commandment: Thou shalt believe without any proof. 
    • Faith like, Trickle Down Economics, shalt be believing in something for which you have absolutely no proof. This can also be the definition of something called “wrong.” Goodness… just an awkward coincidence I’m sure…
  7. Seventh Commandment: Thou shalt wear costumes!
    • Thou shalt wear costumes – or execution device jewelry – to let others know you’re “religious.” Without props, humans have to constantly remind everyone. It’s not like your going to be able to guess from how they act. And why is this?
  8. Commandment Number Eight: Thou shalt obey their god*, *convenience permitting 
    • This is the favorite asterisk of conservitive Christions. But be warned, if you accuse us of not following Jesus to the letter, we WILL judge you, – and retaliate by NOT turning the other cheek – just for speaking such a vicious lie!
  9. Commandment Nine: God shalt love you unconditionally*, *but torture you unrequited
    • That’s what modern humans would call an “abusive” relationship. Codependency dictates that the Lord may overcome your shortcomings – that one time, 2,000 years ago – but you must overlook His every single day. Which brings us to…
  10. The Tenth and Final Commandment: Thou shalt look the other way
    • Thou shalt pretend not to notice when you become more enlightened than your god. For example, the Bible is a book of “timeless moral truths” – That really, REALLY, loves slavery, concubines, polygamy, and abusing children. So allow me to let you in on a little secret Following any human religion is all about knowing which ones of the 100% absolutely true, mandatory, divinely-inspired rules are best just lowkey ignored when your god isn’t looking. But, be fair warned Aliens! Humans get super touchy if you notice when they do this. So, if you want to win friends on this thin-skinned planet, never go up to a human and say, “You know, if you seldom do as your god asks, maybe you picked the wrong one.”

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